Honoring Parents After Abuse Biblical Truth and Hope for Healing Hearts
Does the fifth commandment ever feel impossible for you? Can I be real here? Honoring parents after abuse feels like carrying a weight that never quite fits. Maybe you grew up hearing over and over that your job was to honor your father and mother, no matter what, the biblical way to honor parents beyond people-pleasing. Maybe you even heard that if you got it wrong, you were not just a bad child, but a bad Christian. There is so much fear packed into that, so much confusion, and honestly, so much pain for many of us Gratitude Practices for Healing. But here's the thing. This commandment was never meant to crush you, and biblical boundaries with parents that honor God and protect your heart can help you navigate honoring while staying safe. And honoring parents after abuse looks a lot different from what some of us were taught.
In our podcast episode this week, we sat right in the middle of those hard questions Healing from Church Hurt: Finding Grace and Faith After Family Pain. We made space for grief and also for hope. Because healing and honoring can both happen, even after wounds that run deep, and trusting God through waiting when healing takes longer is a key part of the journey. Let me tell you what I’ve learned through real life, messy prayer, honest questions, and a lot of reading with a highlighter in my Bible, and Christian approach to mental health.
What Does the Fifth Commandment Really Say About Honoring Parents?
I grew up in church spaces where the fifth commandment, "Honor your father and mother," was a heavy thing, deepening relationship with God. People used it as a rule written in stone. They made it black and white, even when the world I lived in was every shade of gray, spiritual rebuilding after setbacks. Maybe you know how that feels. You hear it so often it starts to sound like if you get this one wrong, God is going to be disappointed in you forever. Honoring parents after abuse, though, is a totally different road than just doing what you’re told.
Let’s start with the verse itself. Exodus 20:12 (CSB) says, “Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Did you catch something? It doesn’t say “obey everything, not matter the cost.” It says honor. And honor, in the Hebrew, actually means “give weight to.” Not deny, not ignore, but give weight. You see, giving weight to something means we recognize it is important, but it doesn’t mean we let it define us or push us into harm.
This was God’s design for families that would nurture children and pass on faith, not break spirits or demand silence. When faith gets twisted to excuse abuse, that is people misusing scripture, not the heart of God. The real question is, how do we keep this commandment when our parents didn’t (or couldn’t) act like parents who deserved to be honored?
Can Honoring Parents After Abuse Include Boundaries?
Let me talk about boundaries for a minute because someone needs to hear this. Honoring parents after abuse is not the same as keeping them happy. For so long, I thought my only job was to avoid making my parents upset. That keeping the peace was what God wanted, even if it meant hiding parts of myself or pretending I wasn’t hurt. But honoring, in God’s eyes, does not mean hiding what happened or letting it keep happening.
Jesus himself had boundaries (think about how often he walked away from the crowds or challenged religious leaders who used rules to hurt others). Our job, as adult children, is not to just do whatever makes our parents comfortable. It is to stand up with the truth, offer forgiveness when we are able, and create healthy boundaries that protect the next generation. Honoring parents after abuse often means naming what is true, healing what we can, and refusing to let the past define our identity or our faith.
And yes, sometimes that means physical space. Sometimes it means limited contact, or no contact, depending on safety. You give weight to reality and wisdom - not demands or manipulation.
What Does “Giving Weight” Really Look Like?
- Acknowledging what happened (even if others pretend it didn’t)
- Choosing compassion - for yourself, and for your parents as broken people
- Protecting your family’s well-being - including your own heart
- Forgiving when you’re ready, not just because you were told to
- Telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable
This is what honoring parents after abuse can look like in real life. Authentic honor is honest, not denial.
Faith, Grace, and Moving Forward After Family Hurt
Can I tell you something? I spent a long time confusing pleasing my parents with honoring them. And you might be there too. It took years, and many conversations with safer people, to untangle the difference. I needed to know - is it possible to honor parents after abuse without putting myself back into unhealthy patterns? The answer is yes. Not only is it possible, it is holy.
This is where grace comes in. Grace reminds me that God is near even when families are a mess. That God mourns with us and also gives us a new name - not just a family name. Honoring parents after abuse is sometimes about recognizing what your parents were given, and what they did with what they had. Some did the best they knew, some didn't, and some walked away entirely.
But you do not have to carry the weight of responsibility for everything that went wrong. Honoring parents after abuse means giving weight to your full story, not just the pieces others want to talk about. God does not require you to silence yourself in order to look like the perfect daughter or son. You are called to be whole - to bring both pain and hope to him, and let him lead you out the other side.
What About Forgiveness and Reconciliation?
People sometimes use the fifth commandment to pressure us into forced reconciliation. But reconciliation is mutual and honest, and cannot exist without truth. Forgiveness, too, is a process with God and does not always lead to restored relationship. You can forgive in your own time, with God’s help, without putting yourself in harm’s way again. Honoring parents after abuse means giving yourself patience, and letting God do the heart work in his time.
How Do We Live Honoring Parents After Abuse in a Faithful, Hopeful Way?
You want practical? Here’s what I do in my real, everyday life, because honoring parents after abuse is not an abstract idea. It’s calling on God’s wisdom for every next step. It’s asking things like:
- What decisions protect my peace and my children’s peace?
- Can I write a letter when conversation is too painful?
- Where do I need support from a counselor or small group?
- How can I honor honest memories - both the good and the hurtful?
- What would it look like to bless, rather than please, my parents, from a distance if needed?
I take it slow. I pray for clarity. And when guilt or confusion creep up (they do, even after years), I go back to Scripture and community. I remind myself that Jesus came to set the captives free, not send them back into the same prisons. Honoring parents after abuse, for me, is telling the truth, forgiving as I’m able, blessing when I can, and creating a family that lives out the best of what God intended instead of repeating old cycles.
Biblical Wisdom for the Healing Heart
Here’s the verse I keep on my desk, in case you need it too. Psalm 34:18 (CSB) says, “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.” That’s you and me. God is not distant from messy families or hard questions. He draws close. Your story matters to him, even the chapter about honoring parents after abuse.
If your parents never gave you the love you needed, God still calls you beloved. If they were harsh, God is gentle. If they withdrew, he presses in close. You don’t have to carry all the weight by yourself. You don’t have to pretend it didn’t wound you. And you don’t have to figure out what honoring looks like alone.
Moving Toward Hope and Healing Together
I’m so grateful you’re here, thinking and praying about what honoring parents after abuse might look like for you. You’re part of a community that doesn’t rush past the hard parts or slap a Bible verse on real pain. Healing is slow, but hope is real. In our podcast episode, we went even deeper - asking the hard questions about boundaries, reconciliation, and what it means to find your identity in Christ (not just in your family tree).
Here are some things I’m learning to practice - imperfectly, but faithfully:
- Setting boundaries rooted in what brings peace, not what brings guilt
- Letting yourself grieve lost relationships or trust, instead of pretending all is well
- Building new traditions and legacies with your own family
- Refusing to let shame, fear, or old expectations define you
- Inviting God into every step, including the ones that feel impossible
Want more encouragement or wisdom? Listen in to the full podcast episode "When Honor Hurts: Redefining the Fifth Commandment Part One" wherever you get your podcasts. Let’s keep walking this out together, one hopeful, healing day at a time.
